April 2nd Author’s Note : we hope everyone appreciated this April Fool’s joke (or at least realized it was a joke by the third line in). Fake news is a problem, so to make sure nobody gets confused, we wanted to drop this disclaimer to make it clear that this is not a real story. Thanks for reading!
Elon Musk announced he will purchase a 51% stake in American Airlines. This continues his recent pattern of acquiring companies that play central roles in American society and infrastructure.
He announced the news on Twitter and in a press conference. When asked about his interest in American Airlines, Musk stated “I realized that I simply enjoy buying companies with birds on their logos. And when I have such an obscene amount of money why should I try to fight those urges?”
Elon Musk making his announcement
Later in the press conference Mr. Musk outlined a series of major changes he plans for the airline’s operations. Effective immediately, American will accept dogecoin for ticket purchases, and in coming years will transition to a completely blockchain-based payment system. The airline will start charging flyers a nominal fee of $10 for passengers to display their TSA PreCheck status on their boarding passes.
Major changes are in store for American’s workforce as well. All employees will be required to work in-office at corporate headquarters. This may prove challenging for the airline’s pilots and flight attendants, who are accustomed to working on aircraft, but Mr. Musk expects them to rise to the challenge. In line with his views about free speech, Mr. Musk wants the Twitter handle @AmericanAir to take controversial political stances and to share conspiracy theories. To maximize profits, Mr. Musk plans to lay off around a third of the airline’s workers. However analysts expect that move to be followed by frantic attempts to rehire most of the furloughed employees shortly thereafter.
American Airlines aircraft at Miami International Airport
Some industry experts also expressed excitement that Mr. Musk’s family of companies could offer multimodal transport itineraries. For example, passengers could hire a Tesla-operated rideshare to the airport, fly an American Airlines flight, then connect to a SpaceX moon rocket that may or may not explode on landing. Said SpaceX employee April Phules, “after experiencing the inside of a Falcon 9 rocket, I think American Airlines passengers will be a little more forgiving about the airline’s economy class legroom.”
While some passengers seem worried about the impact Musk’s takeover will have on the airline, others approved of the move. “As a proud owner of three Teslas I enjoy feeling better than other people,” said Bay Area resident Hugh Jassol. “I look forward to experiencing that same sense of superiority when flying American Airlines too.”
American’s MD-80s are likely glad they retired before all this went down
American Airlines shareholders readied themselves for extreme volatility in the airline’s stock price in the weeks ahead. When asked for comment, SEC Chair Gary Gensler simply burst into tears.
Note from the editor: This story is not real. Elon if you are reading this PLEASE DO NOT ACTUALLY BUY AMERICAN AIRLINES.
There are too many stories out there that promise new kinds of airplanes, amenities, and airports. We are not going to lie’¦ when we see these stories, we get pumped.
’œRadical…we can’™t wait until we fly in an electric airliner that flies at three times the speed of sound and takes off and lands at an airport racetrack!’
We are told that these things are coming “very soon,” but we wait and wait and wait. Nothing. We have gotten sick and tired of getting emotionally AvGeek hurt (that is a thing) because these technologies never come through. Instead of just sitting around, we decided to do something about it!
INTRODUCING THE SlingPlane 5001-200NWN (No Wings Needed)
The SlingPlane 5001-200NWN… well an advance, high-tech drawing of it at least
We knew this endeavor of building our own plane was not going to be easy, but we have made such tremendous progress. We didn’™t want to make the same mistakes of the others who had tried before us, so we quickly skimmed all their business plans (aka looked at the photos) and made solid assumptions on what went wrong. Here are the most common issues we found that led to failure:
As many of you have probably realized by now, yesterday was April Fools Day*. This was an opportunity for airlines, with a sense of humor, to break out their best creativity and come up with stories that are almost believable — almost.
How would you like to spend your next flight standing up? All images by Air New Zealand.
Air New Zealand offers STRIGHTUP Fares for those willing to stand while flying
From Air New Zealand’s press release: Air New Zealand’s Domestic airline is proud to introduce STRAIGHTUPFARESâ„¢, the next step in the evolution of affordable domestic air travel on sale to anyone who can ‘stand it’. The special fares are part of the airline’s Grabaseatâ„¢ promotion.
For the April 1, 2012 launch date, the airline has installed hand holds on the cabin ceilings of selected aircraft to allow even more passengers per flight. The new “seating” plan can accommodate up to 69 extra passengers standing in the aisle for the duration of the flight, massively increasing Air New Zealand’s capacity and drastically lowering ticket prices.
The fares are offered at three different levels: STRAIGHTUPFARESâ„¢ – The standard offering includes carry on baggage only, STRAIGHTUPBAGâ„¢ – Includes carry on bag and one checked in bag up to 25kgs, and STRAIGHTUPDELUXEâ„¢ – Includes carry on bag and one checked in bag up to 25kgs, inflight refreshments and a interactive handhold.
Fare restrictions:
* Height restriction: 150cm Minimum height, excluding wheelchair passengers.
* Girth restriction: STRAIGHTUPFARESâ„¢ 100cm max waist, STRAIGHTUPBAGâ„¢ 120cm max waist, STRAIGHTUPDELUXEâ„¢ 150cm max waist
* Standing passenger must possess at least one fully functional arm and one fully function leg or equivalent. Wheel clamps provided for wheelchair passengers.
Who wants to go to space? Spirit can take you there. Image from Spirit Airlines.
Spirit Airlines Offers $9 Each Way Trips to the Moon
What is funnier than Spirit offering to take you to the moon is their ability to make fun of themselves. They are known as an ultra low cost carrier and charge for everything (even your carry-on). So they might have $9 each way fares advertised, but adding in your space suit, oxygen mask, tang, government service fee (good thing that is not hidden) and the rocket fuel, you are looking at a $1,203,000,025.97 ticket. Classic.
TOFUnuts on Southwest? Please no. Image from Southwest Airlines.
Southwest Airlines Now Serving TOFUnuts Onboard
Mmmm. TOFUnuts. Thank goodness this is a joke. From the airline’s press release: Southwest Airlines today begins serving a delicious onboard snack in addition to the carrier’s legendary peanut offering, TOFUnuts. With the same salty taste, TOFUnuts contain more protein than Southwest’s lightly salted peanuts. Customers who stop in the airport terminal for that savory cheeseburger can wash away the guilt knowing that a packet of TOFUnuts will help lower bad cholesterol. Other benefits include appearing younger as Customers step off one of the carrier’s LUV jets since the isoflavones in the TOFUnuts scavenge free radicals to prevent premature aging.
“We didn’t think we could top our world famous peanuts, but this little baby has real potential,” said Kevin Krone, Southwest Airlines Vice President of Marketing, Sales, and Distribution. “If you aren’t in the mood for our traditional peanuts, then get on the tofu train. I mean, a snack food and healthy skinsign me up!” Read more…
The new VVS1 will be able to take up to three people down to the Earth's core. Photo from Virgin.
Richard Branson launches journeys to the centre of the Earth through Virgin Volcanic
From the “official” press release: Richard Branson launches journeys to the centre of the Earth through Virgin Volcanic. Academy Award winning actor Tom Hanks to join first expedition. Only 500 people have been to space, only three people have been to the bottom of the ocean, but no one has ever attempted to journey to the core of an active volcano. Until now. Using patented carbon-carbon materials pioneered for deep space exploration, Virgin is proud to announce a revolutionary new vehicle, VVS1, which will be capable of plunging three people into the molten lava core of an active volcano. Read more…
WestJet says no to kids? Origional photo from Andrew Sieber. Click for orig.
WestJet Introduces Child-Free Cabins
From WestJet’s website: Airline unveils Kargo Kids, a travel program to create a serene travel experience. WestJet today introduced Kargo Kids, an exciting new program allowing guests to travel on select child-free flights, creating a quieter and more relaxing inflight experience, while children travel in a “special VIP” area of the aircraft. “As Canada’s low-cost airline, we are constantly looking for innovative and fun ways to enhance the guest experience,” continued Richard Bartrem. “The initial feedback on Kargo Kids has been quite positive and we’re looking forward to the peace and quiet while we get families where they need to be.”
